You were asking for it
I’ve led several conversations over the past year about exploring ways to create a flourishing society. In preparing for those dialogues, I came across research suggesting that in order to maintain well-being, people require a ratio of three positive to every negative interaction.
Why do we need so many more positive interactions? Because negative stuff sticks with us longer. Our brains are wired to constantly scan for threats, react, and remember them to protect ourselves from being eaten by wild animals. That same wiring continues to protect us from modern day menaces.
It’s difficult to experience personal growth and flourishing when you are in a constant state of fear. To become our highest and best selves, we have to resist our internal wiring.
I was surprised to learn that it’s possible to have too many positive interactions. Experiencing more than eleven positives to one negative can turn a person sour.
I stay close to that 11:1 ratio by filling my life with art, nature, human connections, exercise, and cats.
I recently wrote a blog post about a stranger making a racial slur toward me and how an abundance of positivity neutralized the effects of that negative experience.
Then someone commented this on my story:
“And any life coach would say this has nothing to do with you nor your Asian-ness. YOU see the world through the lens of being Asian and different. And thus the world mirrors back. I imagine if you curated a different energy, you’d get a different response.. OR YOU’D have an entirely different interpretive response. Said with respect and love….”
I felt neither respected nor loved. She was telling me, you were asking for it.
I don’t know what to make of a person who thinks that my Asian face had nothing to do with a stranger making ching chong noises at me while I was standing at a bus stop minding my own business. I spent most of my life seeing the world through the lens of Whiteness, and doing my best to assimilate and exude a non-Asian energy. My Asian face is immutable, though, and people will always see an Asian face regardless of what kind of energy I “curate.” More importantly, I was denying an essential part of my humanity.
I also don’t know what to make of a person who implies that seeing the world through the lens of being Asian and different is a bad thing. Being Asian and different are two of many identities that I fully embrace. I am also a surfer, avid traveler, voracious reader, crazy cat lover, writer, artist, art lover, organizer, and so many more things. I contain multitudes and I am always evolving and growing.
I have had the privilege of spending more than the average amount of time reflecting on who I am in the world and learning to embrace all the different parts of me. Becoming more clear on who I am has made me better equipped to reclaim myself when someone attempts to belittle me and has led to an increase in my daily positive to negative ratio. I want to help create a world in which every one of us experiences a consistent ten to one ratio.
